Judy Jabber
Website of
Judy Lockhart DiGregorio

A Woman’s Favorite Invention Judy Lockhart DiGregorio A man is thankful for the turkey on Thanksgiving, and the gravy and mashed potatoes, too, but a woman gives thanks for much more than that. She offers thanks for that wonderful invention that permits females to truly be themselves, that allows them to bend and stretch and expand. Yes, I mean elastic, the essential element in every woman’s waistband, especially after a big Thanksgiving meal. Who invented elastic? Who cares? The important thing is that its creation saved women from zippers that refused to zip and buttons that exploded when you fastened them because they could not contain the voluptuous flesh of a real woman. Most women are not like the ‘stick’ women who model for Vogue Magazine. Those women weigh less than a number two pencil and cast no shadow on the sunniest day. Neanderthal women didn’t worry about a small waistline or a svelte figure. Outrunning a cave bear or other prehistoric beast was more of a priority. Clothed in animal pelts, they lived free from fashion or figure constraints. If they ate too much, they used their own version of elastic, a piece of rawhide or animal gut that held the pelts on their body. When they needed more breathing room, they just loosened the rawhide or gut, allowing their bellies to hang out. This is how the saying developed -- to spill your guts. What did Neanderthal women prepare for Thanksgiving? Perhaps they celebrated with a bison brunch or a wooly rhino roast without the wooly. Reindeer and water fowl were also plentiful and would have provided quite a feast, especially if served with scorched rabbit on the side. As delicious as a Neanderthal Thanksgiving sounds, it doesn’t quite appeal to my taste. I prefer an old-fashioned meal cooked on a stove, instead of a campfire. However, like Neanderthal women, I do a little hunting and gathering before the big day. I hunt a 20-lb turkey at the supermarket that will feed six to eight people. I gather the groceries to make the broccoli casserole, the mashed potatoes, the cranberry relish, the pecan and pumpkin pies, and the fragrant yeast rolls like my mother always made. On Thanksgiving morning, we pop the turkey into the oven as early as we can so we can gobble it up as soon as possible. Once the bird starts to cook, we open the oven door frequently to inhale the delicious aroma and check on the status of the turkey. This is the most difficult part of Thanksgiving, waiting for that magical moment when the golden brown turkey is pronounced done by my husband, the official turkey roaster. Each year I vow not to overeat at the meal, but I lie. Again and again I fill my plate, savoring each delicious taste. I give thanks for family, friends, and food, and that special something around my waistline that allows me to enjoy all of it – elastic. Judy DiGregorio is the author of two books of humor, “Life Among the Lilliputians” and “Memories of a Loose Woman," published by Celtic Cat Publishing. She also has a CD of humorous stories called “Jest Judy." Email Judy here. This story appeared in “Memories of a Loose Woman” published by Celtic Cat Publishing .